


Die For Me?

by spellup



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: How He Felt When Sirius Came Back, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Marauders, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Multi, No Smut, One-Sided Attraction, POV Remus Lupin, This Whole Fic Is Really Vague, and sad, but not really, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 16:09:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15755175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spellup/pseuds/spellup
Summary: Sirius, all games come to an end. All lives eventually stop. All kisses fade. All memories of what we once were linger. All of you, that's all there is now.





	1. 1_S

**Author's Note:**

> That summary was really shitty but i wrote this whole thing one a whim so bare with me ig?

Our first kiss was soft, something that stained my lips- my face, more than any scar could. You leaned over, told me my scars didn't make me any less human. Told me you knew, you’d know for a long time and I could only swallow the lump in my throat. 

I didn’t move as your lips touched mine, I was tense and you pulled away and began to apologise but I pulled you back, laced my fingers into that leather jacket that James had said looked good on you, and boy did it ever.

For years we played this game, danced around the other until you told me you were done waiting, the game was too hard to play. And with the softest kiss, the most fleeting touch of our lips again, I agreed with you. 

The game, where you’d avoid asking questions about my scars, or where I’d been the night before or if I had any family 'back home', the game where I’d steer you away from Bellatrix without you knowing and every time we saw Regulus I’d duck us into the nearest classroom - you’d look at the floor. You didn't want me to know how much you hated your family, I couldn’t understand but I never dared to say that.

The game where you’d play with James on the quidditch team and I’d sit in the stand, book in my hand and only attending because Wormtail had dragged me, but every time you’d manage to knock a hufflepuff off of their broom with a bludger I’d smile, a small, proud smile.

A game that we played for far too long, a game that - like every game - came to an end. With a kiss, that was such a strange goodbye. Did you know how much you stained my lips? I kissed others after you left, I kissed girls, guys. But Merlin, nothing compared to you.

You stained me, you claimed me and left me. Like you bought a toy, just to leave it on the floor for someone else to find. Sirius, you betrayed me far before you betrayed James. You hurt me before him yet I can forgive you for the damage you did to me, not to him.


	2. 2_I

I ran, sprinted so fast I reckon I could of gave James a run for his money back in the day. When I learned your innocence, when Harry told me about Wormtail I was left speechless, breathless. Broken. I had learned to hate you for what you had done, to resent the young man I ate, drank, slept beside. 

I learned that you were like the rest of them, your family. I told you that, before you were sent off to Azkaban with the blood of our best friend staining your hands and you looked at me, weeping and said it wasn't true. Begged I believed you, begged I stay and not let them take you away from me. But Sirius, they didn't take me away from you, you took me away from yourself. 

And yet, here you are. Standing in the shrieking shack, a place that brought back one too many memories of the full moon. A place only you’d dare venture to find me, beaten up and broken when I finally told you, not that you hadn't figured it out already.

How I tried to hold back the grin when I saw you, offered you my hand because Merlin only knew how long it had been since I’d felt you, had your hand rubbing my back and offering me a drink like we used to. Merlin only knew how long I had wanted to see you, to slap you? Hug you? I wasn't sure then. I am now.

Hatred isn't beautiful, it isn't poetic and in a way I will never truly be able to forgive you for a crime you did not commit. Because everyone had told me how you served _him_ , sold our friends out and for what?

As we cornered Pettigrew I realised I was a fool, for believe what others told me. When everything happened, I had no one, not Lily, not James, not Peter and now, not you. “I would have died.” It rang in my ears, painfully. You would have rather died then sell them out, I should have known then, you were loyal. Faithful, like a good dog.


	3. 3_R

The next time I saw you, on my own at least, was at your family home. How odd it felt to be here again, how odd it felt to be back here _with_ you. We relished in our good memories together, you met my wife.

I know you don’t like her, I know how you feel. But we were young and you were in Azkaban, I didn’t think you’d ever return so I moved on.

“You know, moony-” You started, I laughed slightly. The sound rebounding off of the old walls at that nickname. “-before James-” You stopped, I know it must be hard to process. I know, after all these years I still find it hard, he’s gone.

“Before he, left. We made a deal-” You took a swig of your firewhisky, such a Black drink to drink but, I’d never tell you that. “More of a vow, really.”

“A vow?” I asked, I tried terribly to pretend I wasn’t interested but my eyebrow quirked and I know you, I know you noticed.

“M-hm. An unbreakable one.” I spluttered at that, my heart hammering a mile a minute. My hand shakes gently, that… There was no way. “Oh Merlin! No, not an unbreakable vow Remus, what do you take me for an idiot? No nothing like that, goodness. You can breathe again. I just mean it was something I refused to break.”

I steadied my breath, not realising I even needed to. You really are something. You laugh quietly, diffusing the tension? The fear? What exactly was I afraid of?

“So, care to tell me what this vow was?” I ask, you smile quietly and look away, your long hair now clean and your once scrawny body now far more full, you look healthy.

“Promise me something, Remus.-” It’s not a question and with you I learned it never is. I nod, trying to meet your gaze. “Don’t hate me again, ever. Not like before, please-”

You breath for a minute, putting down your firewhiskey and shuffling forward on your seat, it seemed every inch of your being breathed tension. You looked different, scared almost. You looked like I was about to ship you off to Azkaban again, like I was going to leave you and never come back. The fear in your eyes, nothing about it was appealing, it wasn’t the boy I knew and I believe that was the scariest thing about you.

You werent Sirius who ducked into crevices of the castle every time you saw anyone you were related to, who used to sneak pieces of mandrake root past Professor Sprout to get us all high off of our arses, you werent carefree anymore and I think that was when I realised, you never had been.

Always reputation first, you second. Expect around us, that was the boy I knew. The boy I kissed.

“I promised James I’d -” You breath again, this is hard to watch, hard to hear. “- that I would never stop loving you- “ My eyes looked for you but you didn’t look back, look at me! “-for who you are not what you are cursed as.” I know you added it as an afterthought, I know you could face me if you convinced yourself this was about my other form, if this wasn’t a confession.

My lips parted, going to speak but closing again. The hatred I had felt, a part was still there but there was so much more positive than negative. It hurt. Merlin, it hurt. You left me, I wanted to scream. But really, did you? I left you.

I took myself away from you because I didn’t trust you, I wasn’t a friend.

“I-” Words couldn't compare, words wouldn't work. Nothing came out. Nothing.

You would have died for them, would you die for me, Sirius?


	4. 4_I

We spent a while together, we spend a long while together in the late hours of the night and the early ones of the morning. We talked again, about the good times. We didn’t mention the kiss, we didn't mention your confession and we would never talk about my wife. She was taboo, it all was.

But not talking about it didn’t make it go away, Voldemort was living proof of that. You showed me around, but I already knew where everything was. This was more than just the old Black residence, you showed me the room with your family tree. 

Your name, burned out. It was when you’d ran away, straight into the arms of James and a part of me - a part I had promised to bury when you left for Azkaban, when you’d turned up at Hogwarts again - ached at that. Why not me? 

James, more so Lily for myself, was there when we needed them sure but as was I. I wanted to ask you but it wasn’t the time, I wasn’t too sure there would be a time.

Later that night I headed home, Nymphadora in arm. She smiled at you, thanked you for cheering me up - and I pretended I didn’t hear. You smiled back, forced and painful. Did it hurt that much, Sirius? To see me happy? Or was hard for you to accept you’d lost me, through no fault of your own.

I will always think of you, think of our first kiss in the Gryffindor common room and how I whimpered when you pulled me away, said this wasn’t the place or time to take it another step further. For once, you were a voice of reason but I begged to be deaf. So young, to be in love. To feel the pain.

Nymphadora asked if I was okay, empty answers and hollow words - she didn’t understand, in a way, I didn’t want her to. This was our little secret. You watched us from the window, watched me. Waving and smiling when she waved goodbye, you endured it because I love her. But you-.

She’s not the only one I love, not by far.


	5. 5_U

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kinda smutty? Well not really, it just mentions kissing and stuff so caution? ig

You grabbed my collar, I grabbed yours. I waited, the game was never over, was it? Your hair looked like it had when you were young, thin but shining. Your facial hair made you more attractive than I could imagine, aged, scarred but handsome.

You had wanted this and Master Black always got what he wanted. We smashed together, it was not romantic, it was not full of warmth and love. It was full of desperation, a longing that would never be filled - no matter how many time we kissed.

“Remus-” You breathed, your voice was hoarse and low. I would of felt disrespectful for doing this on your parents bed if not for the insane yearning I had for you... and the insane dislike I had for your parents. But, that's besides the point.  
You grabbed at me, my hips, my shoulders, anywhere you could lay a hand you planned to lay it. Running your fingers through my hair with ease, the tickle of your facial hair against my neck, collarbone and lips forced me to smile, if only a little. 

This was wrong, I hadn’t completely forgiven you for leaving me. I was still married, I was a taken man but this, I had longed for it. You barely felt human, your fingers ghosting over my scars, my markings. I turned away. Sirius, do you know how it feels to be vulnerable under someone else gaze? To be stripped down to your core, your foundation of being. That’s how you make me feel. 

“I-” I pause, you look guilty. Like you’ve burned me, and in a way, you have. I’m hot all over, burning. Aching. “My scars- they-”

I can’t get it out, I can’t speak. Can barely feel, everything is blur, a fuzz surrounding us in your parents bed - like horny teenagers, like we once were.

“Hey, hey Moony-” Your voice is soft, that nickname is softer. Rolling off your tongue like you were speaking to a child, a broken child. “-I don’t care about those, you’re no less human than I am. You’re still you, Remus.”

Self Control? Mine dissipated, dissolved into soft whispers and breaths. You kissed me, a flutter of our lips - crossing paths in the night, under the veil of darkness. Safe from everyone, everything.

I cling to you, probably leaving claw marks in your back, around your neck but you don’t even so much as shake. I don’t scare you, you don’t shiver at the sight of death. At the sight of a curse. You don’t see me as a werewolf. You see me, a man lost and starting to find his way - his hand intertwined with yours.


End file.
